Three

How It Feels to Ache

In breakup, life changing, love, Men, Relationship, thoughts on February 27, 2012 at 7:06 am

I am in the process of clearing you out. I’m in the process of trying to come to terms with this. I’m in the process of trying to convince myself you really are the monstrous person who texted me such horrible things.

I’m trying not to think about it. But I find myself aching so much I feel like my throat is closing. I cannot begin to fathom how one goes from loving you madly to wishing you’d die. I cannot understand how a man can break your heart and then slit your throat while you’re trying to put together the pieces.

I want you to know that I’m not going to let you bring me down. I’m taking my power back. No one will ever make me feel powerless again. I am in control of my own heart, feelings, actions and decisions. I am my own woman. And I’m everything without you.

Congratulations. Despite all the fucked up men I’ve encountered, you take the cake. In all my years on this earth every terrible thing anyone has ever said to me does not even begin to add up to all the mind-numbingly abusive shit you said to me in the last two days.

And it all went unanswered. Because I had no idea what I could possibly say in return to hurt you as much as you’d hurt me. I could never hate someone that vehemently.

Here begins the journey onward. I have nothing left to say to you. You hurt me because you are hurting. And that’s okay because I feel sorry for you. But that’s not my job anymore.

Best of luck. Thanks for the laughs and the love you once gave so freely. I sincerely hope you find your way. But mark my words, I wont be here to guide you ever again.

-Courtney, Los Angeles

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